It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

· Penguin Random House Audio · Narrated by Ramani Durvasula PhD and Maria Shriver
4.9
25 reviews
Audiobook
11 hr 31 min
Unabridged
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About this audiobook

INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

From clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic relationships Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a guide to protecting and healing yourself from the daily harms of narcissism

AN OPEN FIELD PUBLICATION FROM MARIA SHRIVER


It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissistic person. One day they draw you in with their charm and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-esteem, and leave you wondering, What should I have done differently? As Dr. Ramani explains in It’s Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing.

Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist will not stop manipulating and invalidating you, no matter how much you try to appease them. The first step toward healing from their toxic influence—and to protect yourself from future harm—is to accept that you are not to blame for their behavior.

Drawing on more than two decades of studying the landscape of narcissism and working with survivors, Dr. Ramani explores how narcissists hijack our well-being and offers a healing path forward. Unpacking the oft-misunderstood personality, she reveals the telltale behavioral patterns that indicate you may be dealing with a narcissist. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep you stuck in the cycle, grieve the loss of these painful relationships, create and maintain realistic boundaries, discern unhelpful behaviors from narcissistic behaviors, and recover your sense of self after constant invalidation.

Thriving after, or even during, a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but It’s Not You shows you it is possible. Dr. Ramani invites you to stop blaming yourself and trying to change the narcissistic person, and to start giving yourself permission to let go of their hold on you and finally embrace your true self.

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Ratings and reviews

4.9
25 reviews
Brenda Flowers
May 11, 2026
listening to the sample sounds familiar to the business of busy but astounding and I don't mean in a good way but as shocking and hard work people have done to not pay a part in their own personal acceptance when processing someone else's painful struggle to find a solution from their own shifting position. Recalling what it was taking to work before I left my house to get to the one thing I had gone to school for and to bus my hands to be a good steward for raising my child to take on a job one day in this physical world. And it meant in simplest terms education. His regard for me as a wife is not to make more but to not work where needed or to not be late for him and unprepared food cooking was like bread waiting to be opened.
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Anca V
February 21, 2024
I'm really happy that "It's not you" has been written. And released :). Healing from narcissistic abuse is of utmost importance. We all have the right to be and to express ourselves freely, without being punished for who we are. There comes a time when one might feel it's too much... Dr Ramani's book helps a lot with...if not silencing, at least with turning down the volume on narcissism. Thank you, Dr Ramani, for calling out on narcissism, so bravely, and helping us recover ❤️
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Melissa
July 21, 2025
So educational, validating, and productive with actionable solutions. This was a refuge from rationalization, confusion, and self blend. Dr. Ramani is a gift to survivors and those who can hopefully skirt these situations due to accurate education. Thanks to her, I finally believe, it's not me..
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About the author

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a psychologist, Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University Los Angeles, and the Founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training & Consulting. She discusses narcissism on her popular YouTube channel, on social media as @DoctorRamani, her popular online program on healing from narcissistic abuse, and as the host of the podcast Navigating Narcissism with Dr. Ramani. This is her fourth book.

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